Kal Ort Por

I’m really just posting this here because I’m having a hard time focusing at work – and I just need to say it, to someone.

I’m really missing her lately, all the little nuances that make her unique. Even the way she gets angry.

I really miss her.

I haven’t had the drive to post here in awhile. I think something might be wrong with me. I’m consistently fighting an up and down battle with my emotions and state of mind.

Sometimes I feel as determined as Socrates, and then within hours I can feel completely lost and useless. There are times when I am certain that with time everything will be fine with Kathryn and I, and others when I question if she even enjoys my company.
I spend alot of time alone at home laying in bed, some weekends I go a full day without even getting out of bed.

So I’m aware of a habit of mine that some might describe as “bad”. I jump at any opportunity to help her, in any way I can. Giving a lift, paying for dinner, going out of my way in any way at all. In the end I do these things because I care about her, and want to help in any way I can – but there are those that say I make myself too available, and provide no challenge.

I’m not sure how to address this – I’m not sure how to both continue being there for her whenever she needs me, and not coming off as a push over.

So I’ve got a list of personal goals for improvement and change I’d like to address before she gets back from Europe. Its pretty long honestly, and I’m about halfway through it.

I was sitting at my desk this weekend working in After Effects and for some reason I was hit with a memory that I still can’t figure out the trigger for.
It was winter (I think) 2008 – we were standing on a street corner in Belltown – Downtown Seattle. Wind was blowing softly, but it was the type of wind that cuts right through whatever you’re wearing. I was cold, I *know* she must have been cold. I think it was around 11 at night, I’m not sure what we were coming back from, a movie maybe? We came back to where to car was parked and it was gone, my initial reaction was that it had been stolen. We must have stood at that corner in the freezing cold for damn near an hour waiting for Seattle P.D. to come take my statement – I kept insisting that she let me call her a cab home, or at least have her take the next bus to Mercer Island.

She refused though, she insisted on staying with me. Even so far as to walk all the way to the tow yard with me when we realized it had just been towed. Hell, she even paid for the tow fee (I paid her back the next week I believe).

As I sat there at my desk I was overwhelmed with guilt and regret, and I couldn’t help but say out loud “I’m sorry I let you down”.

In the end thats exactly what I did. I failed to live up to what she thought I was, what she deserved. I wish I could change that.

I miss her, alot. Its hard to move past that, but I need to make sure I’m utilizing this time wisely – and moving forward in my own personal goals of improving the type of person I am.

I’ve written up another date memory, but I’m getting pretty sleepy. I’ll have it up tomorrow.

I realized today that I really don’t like myself, or who I was during the last half of our relationship. I really don’t like that person, and I want to be the type of person I’d be proud to be associated with. As it sits right now, I wouldn’t hang out with myself.

So I’ve been trying to keep myself busy lately – I think its been working. I’m usually okay, except for the nights – or when I end up in an area we used to frequent alot.

I’ve been approaching things more from the perspective of strengthening who I am as a person, and learning from the mistakes I made while Kathryn and I were together. There is a list of things as long as my arm that I’d like to address before she gets back to Europe, we’ll see if I get that much done.
The funny thing is (and I’m certain I spoke of this before) all of the things I want to work on were things I’m sure Kathryn was less than pleased on – and in the end, addressing any of them is a net gain for me – none of these are things that I *shouldn’t* or *don’t* need to change, for my own good.

So lately the days for me have been an interesting roller coaster of ups and downs. Typically I get into the downs in the evening when I’m in the apartment alone. Writing to her in my log (physical, not blog), or jotting down memories both good and bad have typically helped.

I’ve thought more and more about the situation between the two of us, and my outlook on it and I’ve come up with a few.. mission statements? of sorts I suppose.

• I’ve given up on too much in my life, I’ve walked away and decided to try again later or somewhere else. I’ve drawn the line here – I’m not willing to just give up and walk away because I went and made some stupid mistakes. There isen’t anything broken here that can’t be easily fixed with time and patience.
• The breakup was a good thing – I’ve had alot of time for self reflection and analysis and I’ve begun making alot of positive changes in my life and how I live it. You’re never too old or too wise to learn new lessons and have them affect your life in a positive way.
  In the end, all of the things that she might have been upset with me about were valid, and things that if I changed could only effect me in a positive way.
• Having Kathryn in my life is something I’ll take any way I can get it – if it turns out that this friendship is as far as it goes from here on, I’ll consider myself blessed. She means more to me than I can express, her presence in my life is something I consider myself extremely lucky to have.
• Even if I could know for certain that she’ll never look at me the way she did back in New Years 09, I wouldn’t change what I’m doing or give up. I’m not sure I can explain why – but I wouldn’t.

Taphouse – Seattle

• What we consider to be our first real date date.
• I remember being very very nervous.
• When I picked you up I was shocked at how you looked and what you were wearing. I don’t think I had ever seen you in a skirt before.
• I thought I looked tacky by comparison but you insisted I looked great.
• I got the Lazy Boy Heff, and the Chicken Penne – You got the.. Halibut? and we split some Cheesecake after.
• I distinctly remember being certain I was with the hottest woman there.
• After I dropped you off I’m pretty certain I drove home with the windows down and Van Halen blaring. Seriously.

Highland Ice Arena

For some reason this one still sticks out in my memory like it was yesterday. I think it might have to do with how I felt when I watched her out on the ice for the first time.

• This was a last minute thing. A group event our friends were throwing.
• I’m unsure if she was able to find her skates at home. Now that I think on it I’m sure she was.
• Prior to this I was unaware that she had a young love for skating and had skated a fair amount in her childhood.
• I remember a slight shock seeing her out on the ice for the first time. She looked so beautiful, so confident.
• While everyone came in for the zambonee (sp?), she pleaded with me to rent skates and come out with her. I put up some resistance like a child, but eventually caved – As in the end she was being too damn cute to resist.
• In the end I had a great time, she stuck with me and helped me get to my feet.
• One of our friends fell something like seven times in a row.