Kal Ort Por

She left this evening – I came across a small metal case with receipts for our first ten dates or so. I thought I could start jotting down notes of things I remember from each of these.

The one I did this evening is as follows:

Nov 15 2008
Woodland Park Zoo

• I didn’t realize she didn’t like the zoo. She went anyways.
• I kissed her in front of a small group of children, it was kind of a romantic/passionate kiss – it embarassed her a bit.
• We talked about how I thought Bears were dangerously cute.
• It was my second time at the zoo.
• While she was using the restroom I snuck into the gift shop and bought her a stuft toucan. I tried to hide it in my jacket, she totally called me on it. I told her how beautiful her smile was. As far as I know she still has it somewhere in her room.

For the record, despite all my bitching – its not that I hate my life, its that I hate the position *I* have put myself in.

I’m full of contradictions these days – Missing so badly what I had, but knowing that this had to happen and that we shouldn’t be together right now.

I just need to put myself in the mindset that right now isen’t about the past, or getting back what I lost. It should be about utilizing this time and time moving forward to show through my actions that they *were* mistakes, and that I’m not the person I was over the last eight or so months. Starting from scratch, improving who I am and moving forward on -my- goals.

I’ve made some decisions lately on opportunities presented to me to opt out of them in favor of staying in Seattle and continuing to build upon the friendship we have and show her through my actions who I really am. I’m certain I’ve made the right choice – The fact that there is still a strong friendship there is a blessing I can’t begin to describe.

I think I’m rambling at this point, it will be interesting to see a few months from now where I am – and how it reflects on posts like this.

Child's Play 2008

I was feeling pretty bad last night – I appear to be feeling better today. Don’t remember too much – drank enough to black out. Apparently had a text message convo with my mother about email attachments – I totally don’t recall it.

The irony of being my own worst enemy is not lost on me.

I predict I will be spending an increasing amount of funds on alcohol over the next few years.

I’m in an interesting position.
On one hand, I miss her so very much – whenever we hang out there is always that initial few minutes where I completely forget about whatever I was thinking and I’m almost speechless. Its like I’ve forgotten how beautiful she is, or how good it makes me feel just to see her.

On the other hand, I know regardless of either of our feelings that any form of getting back together right now is a horrible idea and would only be a step backwards.

Its like one of those situations where you know the shot/surgery/whatever is needed, and good for you – but damn it you don’t feel like getting up and running.

I will say, just being around her makes me happy – and because of that I’m incredibly grateful for the time I get to have with her.

You’d get a good laugh out of seeing all the running around I did today and yesterday to prepare for the two of us grabbing dinner. Laundry, vacuuming, cleaning out the truck, washing the truck, cutting my hair, double gym trip, etc.
I bet if she had any idea she’d think I was insane.

I know, I know – I write on here far less than Star Trek feature films are released. Typically my writing here coincides with something occurring in my life that has me needing to get things off my chest.

Which is exactly why I’m writing now.

A few months ago I lost something that at the time I didn’t appreciate fully, didn’t think I’d ever lose, and completely took for granted.
My girlfriend.

Roughly three months ago if you’d asked me what I thought about my relationship I’d have a list as long as my arm of things that irritated me, or things I put the blame on her for. Fast forward to today and its like looking back on the last eight months or so of my life being run by a complete stranger. I honestly can’t fathom how the hell I found myself making the decisions I did back then. It seems that about a year ago I took one of the best relationships of my life down a path that I SHOULD have known was the wrong place for us to be at that time.

The last eight months of my life took me from a positive future in a new area with a bright, funny, beautiful girlfriend to a cramped, empty studio apartment where I turn the TV on just to cover up the silence that reminds me of what I managed to cost myself.

I was selfish, I was lethargic, and I somehow couldn’t see that moving in (let alone moving into a tiny ass studio) when both of us were on track for goals that required hard work and dedication was a recipe for disaster.

In the end what once was laughter, horsing around, and enjoying each others company had dissolved into stressful work lives paired with a huge financial crisis, stalling in our personal goals, and two people having zero personal space.
I took her for granted, ignored the issues in the relationship that I was creating and focused on what I considered to be her fault.

After a quiet breakup and two and a half months of no contact we go out for dinner and its like waking up from an eight or so month long blackout.
I have no idea why I did the things I did, why I made the choices I did and behaved the way I did. Its not like me, in so many ways – and it cost me what very may well be one of the most special relationships of my life.

I can only hope with time, some day we might get a chance to learn from our mistakes and give this another try. This time a little bit wiser.

I’m going to turn the TV back on, the quiet is really getting to me.

For some reason I feel compelled to compose a list of moving pictures (both on the silver screen and my LCD TV) that I enjoy.

Web:
The Guild
Pure Pwnage
The Jace Hall Show
Loading Ready Run
Film Riot
Totally Rad Show
Project Lore

TV:
Castle (OMG Awesome show, nevermind the fact that Nathan is the star)
Chuck (OMG Awesome show, nevermind the fact that Adam is one of the stars)
Defying Gravity
Warehouse 13
Burn Notice
Fringe
Heroes

Will update as I go on.